Hail Caesar

Hail Caesar
By Peter John Gardner

One of the main reasons I decided to take on the work of Robert Downey Jr. after the completion of Project Stallone was because I thought that films featuring Downey would typically be better than the majority of Stallone films I had to endure, thus making this project a little more painless. I thought I was right until I got to Hail Caesar.

In one sentence, this movie is basically Anthony Michael Hall's masturbatory fantasy about being a rock star. Directed by Hall, the film follows Julius Caesar (yes, that's his character's actual name) on his quest for fame and the approval of his girlfriend. Caesar as a character isn't likeable at all, and he comes across less like an early 90s alternative rocker and more like some douchebag fraternity boy that happens to know how to play a little bit of guitar. Oddly enough, Hall bears more than a passing resemblence to FOX News's misinformant Glenn Beck so the movie is a lot more fun if you pretend that it's Glenn Beck and not Julius Caesar.

The plot finds Caesar with his struggling rock band that makes Bill & Ted's Wyld Stallions look like The Beatles trying to catch a break. At the same time, Caesar is dating the daughter of a wealthy eraser factory owner that is obsessed with guns and Ronald Reagan. His daughter is a complete, hoighty toighty snob that seems to have nothing but contempt for Caesar, leaving the viewer to wonder why they're even dating. Dad's not too fond of his daughter dating a "lower class" rock musician, so he hatches a plan to get Julius out of the picture. In order for Caesar to continue dating this uppity wench, he has to come up with $100,000 within six months. For some reason that is never explained, the dad gets Caesar a job at the pencil eraser factory to help get him started. Soon enough, Caesar is promoted to manager and uncovers some sketchy activities going on at the factory that he can use as blackmail. Hijinks ensue as well as cocaine fueled cameos from Judd Nelson, Samuel L. Jackson, and Robert Downey Jr. Downey's role is as a record label exec whose first appearance is preceded by a bizarre dance sequence in his office than can only be explained by the use of cocaine from everyone involved.

This film is an unfunny mess with vague themes of true love and not "selling out". Since Anthony Michael Hall didn't really sell me on his role as a struggling musician, and Downey's appearance is the cinematic equivalent of an all night cocaine bender, I'm going to focus instead on Samuel L. Jackson's role as the mailman. It's a small role, and most of the time Jackson is getting attacked by the dogs at Caesar's house. He eventually quits the mailman job and takes on other thankless jobs, like digging a hole in front of the Caesar house.

"Four years of college for this?" mutters Jackson. Jackson's character obviously was an English major in college. English majors typically go through four years of school to arrive at two destinations: a) Become an English teacher, or b) Do something that has nothing to do with English where you frequently get shit on, take on mundane jobs, and wonder why you spent all that money on tuition. Life frequently puts me in positions where I'm just doing what I'm supposed to do, and instead of an obstacle or challenge, it's a fucking dog chasing after me that I have to deal with (metaphorically speaking, of course). You can't fight the dog, that would be animal cruelty. You have to run away and hope that you don't get a piece of flesh ripped off of your leg.

Short Cuts

Short Cuts
By Peter John Gardner

Fate and choice are two opposing forces that have been explored to death in the arts, yet we always return to these themes because they're something mankind will most likely never figure out. How much of our life is dictated by fate, and how much is through our own choice? Was it fate to make certain choices in life? Is it a choice to believe in fate? What happens when fate and choice collide? Is your head ready to explode yet?

Short Cuts is a very long film based on short stories that explore these themes. Some of the stories run parallel to each, some characters meet characters from other stories, but everything and everyone is not intertwined and connected into one larger story like Magnolia. There are 22 principal characters in the film, yet director Robert Altman paces the film properly so that the viewer never loses track of what's happening to whom. There's a story involving Matthew Modine, Julianne Moore, Fred Ward, Anne Archer, and Huey Lewis (of all people!) that explores failing marriages and a dead body. Concurrently, we've got Lily Tomlin and Tom Waits playing a dysfunctional couple who accidentally hit the child of Bruce Davison and Andie MacDowell. Bruce and Andie are already knee deep in problems of their own including an irate Lyle Lovett as a baker and Jack Lemmon giving advice on infidelity. Meanwhile, Lily Tomlin's daughter is married to Robert Downey Jr. who plays an odd man that is aroused by sadism. Downey also has the distinction of being the first time I've seen a character in a movie awakened by his own fart. Finally, there's a story of Tim Robbins as a bad cop whose oblivious wife is friends with Moore's character. It sounds like a lot to keep up with, but the movie gives everyone enough breathing space, and ties the stories together

Was it luck or fate that these characters cross each others' paths? Short Cuts leaves it up to the viewer to decide. With this in mind, and as a man that doesn't believe in fate, I tried looking back on my own life to figure out if fate did indeed play a role or if everything is just the result of luck, choice, and coincidence. If I had never left Texas when my parents divorced, I would have never met the beautiful people that I consider my friends now. Was that fate or just trying to adapt and survive?

With romantic relationships, the phrase "meant to be" pops up in the more serious ones. Was it really meant to be or are the two people involved just really good at compromise and decency? When the relationship ends, was it because it "wasn't meant to be" or is it because one or the other made some bad decisions? Who decides what exactly is "meant to be"?

A phrase that I loathe is "every thing happens for a reason". As a staunch atheist that doesn't believe in fate, the phrase itself makes me sigh, yet there is truth to it. I don't think that some outside force whether it be fate or a deity makes things happen to a person, but I do believe that the reason things happen is to teach something. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I've tried to walk away from each one of life's fuckups and disasters having learned something through the experience. That something may not become apparent until long after the fact. Am I a wise man? Fuck no. Am I wiser than I was ten years ago? Certainly.

Am I wiser after writing this article? Doubtful.