Hail Caesar

Hail Caesar
By Peter John Gardner

One of the main reasons I decided to take on the work of Robert Downey Jr. after the completion of Project Stallone was because I thought that films featuring Downey would typically be better than the majority of Stallone films I had to endure, thus making this project a little more painless. I thought I was right until I got to Hail Caesar.

In one sentence, this movie is basically Anthony Michael Hall's masturbatory fantasy about being a rock star. Directed by Hall, the film follows Julius Caesar (yes, that's his character's actual name) on his quest for fame and the approval of his girlfriend. Caesar as a character isn't likeable at all, and he comes across less like an early 90s alternative rocker and more like some douchebag fraternity boy that happens to know how to play a little bit of guitar. Oddly enough, Hall bears more than a passing resemblence to FOX News's misinformant Glenn Beck so the movie is a lot more fun if you pretend that it's Glenn Beck and not Julius Caesar.

The plot finds Caesar with his struggling rock band that makes Bill & Ted's Wyld Stallions look like The Beatles trying to catch a break. At the same time, Caesar is dating the daughter of a wealthy eraser factory owner that is obsessed with guns and Ronald Reagan. His daughter is a complete, hoighty toighty snob that seems to have nothing but contempt for Caesar, leaving the viewer to wonder why they're even dating. Dad's not too fond of his daughter dating a "lower class" rock musician, so he hatches a plan to get Julius out of the picture. In order for Caesar to continue dating this uppity wench, he has to come up with $100,000 within six months. For some reason that is never explained, the dad gets Caesar a job at the pencil eraser factory to help get him started. Soon enough, Caesar is promoted to manager and uncovers some sketchy activities going on at the factory that he can use as blackmail. Hijinks ensue as well as cocaine fueled cameos from Judd Nelson, Samuel L. Jackson, and Robert Downey Jr. Downey's role is as a record label exec whose first appearance is preceded by a bizarre dance sequence in his office than can only be explained by the use of cocaine from everyone involved.

This film is an unfunny mess with vague themes of true love and not "selling out". Since Anthony Michael Hall didn't really sell me on his role as a struggling musician, and Downey's appearance is the cinematic equivalent of an all night cocaine bender, I'm going to focus instead on Samuel L. Jackson's role as the mailman. It's a small role, and most of the time Jackson is getting attacked by the dogs at Caesar's house. He eventually quits the mailman job and takes on other thankless jobs, like digging a hole in front of the Caesar house.

"Four years of college for this?" mutters Jackson. Jackson's character obviously was an English major in college. English majors typically go through four years of school to arrive at two destinations: a) Become an English teacher, or b) Do something that has nothing to do with English where you frequently get shit on, take on mundane jobs, and wonder why you spent all that money on tuition. Life frequently puts me in positions where I'm just doing what I'm supposed to do, and instead of an obstacle or challenge, it's a fucking dog chasing after me that I have to deal with (metaphorically speaking, of course). You can't fight the dog, that would be animal cruelty. You have to run away and hope that you don't get a piece of flesh ripped off of your leg.

Short Cuts

Short Cuts
By Peter John Gardner

Fate and choice are two opposing forces that have been explored to death in the arts, yet we always return to these themes because they're something mankind will most likely never figure out. How much of our life is dictated by fate, and how much is through our own choice? Was it fate to make certain choices in life? Is it a choice to believe in fate? What happens when fate and choice collide? Is your head ready to explode yet?

Short Cuts is a very long film based on short stories that explore these themes. Some of the stories run parallel to each, some characters meet characters from other stories, but everything and everyone is not intertwined and connected into one larger story like Magnolia. There are 22 principal characters in the film, yet director Robert Altman paces the film properly so that the viewer never loses track of what's happening to whom. There's a story involving Matthew Modine, Julianne Moore, Fred Ward, Anne Archer, and Huey Lewis (of all people!) that explores failing marriages and a dead body. Concurrently, we've got Lily Tomlin and Tom Waits playing a dysfunctional couple who accidentally hit the child of Bruce Davison and Andie MacDowell. Bruce and Andie are already knee deep in problems of their own including an irate Lyle Lovett as a baker and Jack Lemmon giving advice on infidelity. Meanwhile, Lily Tomlin's daughter is married to Robert Downey Jr. who plays an odd man that is aroused by sadism. Downey also has the distinction of being the first time I've seen a character in a movie awakened by his own fart. Finally, there's a story of Tim Robbins as a bad cop whose oblivious wife is friends with Moore's character. It sounds like a lot to keep up with, but the movie gives everyone enough breathing space, and ties the stories together

Was it luck or fate that these characters cross each others' paths? Short Cuts leaves it up to the viewer to decide. With this in mind, and as a man that doesn't believe in fate, I tried looking back on my own life to figure out if fate did indeed play a role or if everything is just the result of luck, choice, and coincidence. If I had never left Texas when my parents divorced, I would have never met the beautiful people that I consider my friends now. Was that fate or just trying to adapt and survive?

With romantic relationships, the phrase "meant to be" pops up in the more serious ones. Was it really meant to be or are the two people involved just really good at compromise and decency? When the relationship ends, was it because it "wasn't meant to be" or is it because one or the other made some bad decisions? Who decides what exactly is "meant to be"?

A phrase that I loathe is "every thing happens for a reason". As a staunch atheist that doesn't believe in fate, the phrase itself makes me sigh, yet there is truth to it. I don't think that some outside force whether it be fate or a deity makes things happen to a person, but I do believe that the reason things happen is to teach something. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I've tried to walk away from each one of life's fuckups and disasters having learned something through the experience. That something may not become apparent until long after the fact. Am I a wise man? Fuck no. Am I wiser than I was ten years ago? Certainly.

Am I wiser after writing this article? Doubtful.

Heart and Souls

Heart and Souls
By Peter John Gardner

Allow me to start this one off by saying that I loved this movie. I normally don't care for warm hearted, romantic comedies for the whole family, but this movie kept me smiling throughout and is just plain cute. That being said, the following entry will be overthinking a movie that does not require any thinking at all for the sake of a good read.

The film starts off somewhere in the 1950s where we follow four individuals making one last mistake in their lives before they all take a bus ride home. The bus crashes into a car where a woman is giving birth, and instead of being pulled up to Heaven, the recently deceased get stuck with the newborn child. They aren't allowed to leave the child because they are bound by some kind of invisible wall around the child.

So these four people hang around young Thomas 24/7 and entertain themselves by entertaining him. As the child grows up, family and school faculty grow concerned with Thomas's "imaginary friends". One night, the four dead babysitters overhear a fight between Thomas's mother and father about what to do with their child that they think could be schizophrenic. The spirits decide to become invisible and let Thomas grow up to lead a normal life.

Flash forward to the future where we find Thomas has grown up into yuppie banker that doesn't seem to have the time for anyone. The dead spirits are still hanging around Thomas all day, but he can't hear or see them anymore. They just follow him around and comment on his life. When the bus to Heaven finally arives, the spirits find out that they were left on Earth so that they could use Thomas to fix their mistakes (think Quantum Leap), so they strike a deal with the bus driver to come back a little later after they tie up their loose ends. Hilarity ensues and Downey is a tour-de-force of physical comedy whenever he is possessed by one of the spirits.

The circumstances of the spirits' lives and Thomas's in the film had me asking myself all sorts of questions concerning the logistics of the situation. So these four people are bound to Thomas until they Quantum Leap their problems and are not allowed any privacy. Do the spirits go to the bathroom? What do they talk about with each other for eternity? Did any of the two males have sex with either of the two females?

And what about poor Thomas? These four people have watched him every time he's taken a shit, picked his nose, had sex, masturbated, or stuck a finger up his own ass. Think about that. What if this is actually what happens when you die? You get stuck with three other people as the guardian angels of a newborn baby. Or think about your own life right now. That time you didn't wash your hands after taking a hefty number two at the office? The time you rubbed one out in bed while your wife was sleeping? Or how about when you stuck your finger up your own ass just to see what would happen? Four strangers could have been watching you, and one of them could be played by Tom Sizemore.

Chaplin

Chaplin
By Peter John Gardner

Some people out there were born to do what they do. It's hard to imagine hearing the voice of Aretha Franklin or Thom Yorke and not think that they were born to sing. Kurt Vonnegut and Ernest Hemingway were born to write and Charlie Chaplin was born to entertain. Starting in his early childhood, he was already memorizing songs to sing and devising characters to make us laugh. After watching the film version of Chaplin's life, I now firmly believe that Robert Downey Jr. was born to act. Downey doesn't so much portray Charles Chaplin. It's more like he was possessed by the man himself. Everything from the drunken man routine, to Chaplin's famous character 'The Tramp', to Chaplin himself Downey nails. With 'The Tramp' makeup on, it's easy to forget that it's not actually Chaplin we're watching.

Downey isn't the only actor that brought his A-game to the film. He surrounded by an excellent supporting cast that includes Anthony Hopkins, Dan Aykroyd, Kevin Kline, Moira Kelly, Marisa Tomei, Milla Jovovich, James Woods, and David Duchovney in the only role that I've seen him play where he's not obsessed with sex and/or aliens. Everyone involved does a phenomenal job as the people that shaped Charlie Chaplin's life.

The story of Chaplin's life is framed using an elderly Chaplin discussing the details of his autobiography to his publisher/ghostwriter. Chaplin's life story is quite remarkable. After making a name for himself in British theater, Chaplin is recruited to America to work in the blossoming moving picture industry. We see the development of Chaplin's most famous characters and Charles's own entrepreneurship as he starts making movies himself. Along the way, Charlie courts and fails with a number of lovers, is branded a Communist sympathizer by the US government (damn liberal Hollywood!), and eventually moves back to England out of frustration and disgust with the government's communist witchhunt.

Some followup research proved that some elements in the movie were dramatized, which is to be expected, but there was one scene in particular I thought was written specifically for the film that turned out to be completely factual. At the age of five, Chaplin's mother fell ill during a musical number at a theater. To quell the angry masses in the crowd, Charlie himself went up there and finished the song and dance. Born entertainer.

At the age of 28, I'm still trying to figure out what Peter Gardner was born to do. I tried sports and various other hobbies growing up and quickly lost interest in them. I'll admit that I'm a nerd and that books and video games interested me more as a youth, but when I reached that crucial age at the end of high school where everyone starts asking you what do you want to do with your life, I couldn't think of a good answer. I would look at schools and potential fields of study and just shrug my shoulders. I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I figured that the standard two years of general education courses would enlighten me.

After I completed those courses and received my AA degree, I took a break from school to work full time while I figured out what I wanted to do next because at that point, I still had no idea. There were areas that I was better at than others like Computer Science, English, and History, but none of them tickled my fancy enough to want to pursue a career in that field. I eventually settled on getting a degree in English/Creative Writing because that is arguably what I do best. Was I born to write? I doubt that. Was I born to teach? I don't think so. One thing I do know is that I was born to do something or else I wouldn't be here. Maybe I was born just to endure all of Stallone and Downey's films. What a life.

Soapdish

Soapdish
By Peter John Gardner

Soapdish is a comedic soap opera about a soap opera. By nature I shouldn't have liked this movie. The movie does smell of aged cheese at times, but having said that, the film works on all levels. It even has a twist ending which I dare not reveal here because it provided me with the biggest laugh I got from the film.

The film takes a loose soap opera template to tell the story of the backstage drama of a show called The Sun Also Sets (Random thought: Imagine a soap opera based on The Sun Also Rises!) and the show's resident diva Celeste played by Sally Field. Celeste's life is in turmoil since her lover left her. She wants off the show but knows that it'll be the end of her career if she does. Her only support in the production is the show's head writer Rose (Whoopi Goldberg). Montana Moorehead (Cathy Moriarity) is her younger co-star that wants Celeste off the show so that she can become the show's new darling. She cockteases the show's producer David Barnes (Downey) to try to make that happen. We also have a young actress that literally budges her way onto the show played by Elizabeth Shue that turns out to be Celeste's niece. Finally, there's Kevin Kline's Jeffrey Anderson, a former cast member and lover of Celeste's that is now performing Death of A Salesman for deaf, elderly people in Florida that David and Montana lure back to the show hoping his presence will frustrate Celeste and force her to quit.

For a movie with this many subplots and characters roaming around at once, everything flows together beautifully, and you never lose track of what's going on. The movie even throws a few saw-it-coming-but-still curveballs the way that a real soap opera would (Lori is actually Celeste's daughter? Who woulda thunk?).

If the moral of this film is to lead a life without drama, I can't get behind it. Let me elaborate. Some situations in life I consider drama. The rest is just life. Drama is the kind of negative, soap opera-y type stuff that people could avoid if they wanted to but don't. I don't necessarily like drama, and I try to do whatever I can to avoid the kind of drama that seems to follow other people around on a daily basis, but what's the fun in life if there aren't any asinine conflicts that cause a headache for a week but provide me something to laugh about later? I'm not saying people should start cheating on their significant other or try to get someone fired at their job because they don't like them, but if there's not at least a little bit of drama in our lives then the movie that they make about you after you die would either be extremely boring or be forced to take creative liberties in order to make it interesting. Would you really want a cinematic depiction of you shitting on a salad bar because nothing interesting happened in your life?

Air America

Air America
By Peter John Gardner

Remember a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away when Mel Gibson was known more as a likeable guy that women adored? You know, back when we knew him as Martin Riggs and Mad Max? He was a guy's guy, the type of guy that other guys can respect and would have a beer with even though women drool over him constantly. That pretty much died when the world heard what kinds of things the guy says when he's drunk. Now he's almost in Tom Cruise territory. The guy still looks good and is a competent actor, but his religious views and erratic behavior rotated the public's opinion of him.

Watching Air America, it brought me back to that time when Mel Gibson was cool. His wiseass sense of humor meshes well with Downey's natural eccentricities. I'm sure I would've enjoyed this movie a lot more if I hadn't watched numerous other Vietnam era movies for this project and Project Stallone. If "All Along the Watchtower" was in this movie, I would've lost it completely.

Yes, this is another Vietnam era movie in Downey's filmography. He plays Billy, an ace helicopter pilot that is recruited by the US government after he is fired from his job as a traffic reporter for the local news. Quick note: his actions that cost him his job are hilarious, and I desperately wish someone would do that in real life. Anywho, the government wants him to be part of a super secret team of pilots that drop supplies over Laos, and he's teamed up with Gene Ryack (Mel). Turns out that all the pilots involved have their own little black market gigs, and Billy quickly realizes that these are some sketchy folks. Eventually, Billy and Gene find out they are actually patsies for a heroin smuggling operation. According to Wikipedia, the plot of this film is based on a true story and comes from a book of the same name by Christopher Robbins.

The operation's motto is "Anything, Anywhere, Anytime", and they technically don't exist as far as the public is concerned. Now I could make a point about how important it is to know what is going on behind the scenes with your employer and not just blindly follow orders, but with an economy and job market that's shrinking faster than a penis in a cold shower, it's better to just hold on to what you have. As for me, I'm signing up for helicopter lessons so that one day I can be a traffic reporter.

Chances Are

Chances Are
By Peter John Gardner

Ah, incest. What better subject to tie a family friendly romantic comedy around? If the threat of incest can produce laughs in Back to the Future, why not in a rom-com? It's one of those things that is funny when it happens in the movies but not when it occurs in real life, kind of like stepping in dog shit or worse yet, having the dog actually shit on you.

Chances Are is actually an enjoyable movie with no dog shit. Shooter McGavin (I don't know what the guy's real name is, and I don't care to find out. He'll always be Shooter McGavin to me) plays a lawyer named Louie Jeffries. Louie is married to Corinne (Cybil Shephard). On their first anniversary, Louie gets hit by a car and dies.

How come every film depiction of Heaven makes it out to be this boring place in the clouds where everyone is white and just stand around talking? Why is there always a long line to get in? I don't want to spend my life a good person just to stand around and talk with white people in the clouds for eternity. I'd rather go to Hell. At least they play Slayer there.

Upon his arrival to Heaven, Louie rushes to the reincarnation lane and demands to return to Earth post haste. He's got a family and an important court case to attend to. Of course being reincarnated as a completely different infant at that very moment is the logical thing to do. Whatever. I'll buy it. Skip ahead a few years and we meet Louie's reincarnation Alex Finch (Downey) who is a Yale student about to graduate. While working in the library, he meets a girl named Miranda who he falls in love with.

Miranda's mother is Corinne, Finch's previous incarnation's wife. Since Shooter McGavin wasn't injected with memory wiping serum in Heaven, all of the memories of his previous life come flooding back into his head. He wants his girlfriend's/daughter's mom which is actually is wife. Thus, a sick love triangle ensues. Complicating matters is family friend Louie Philip who is trying to get into Corinne's pants. Trust me, it makes sense in the movie.

Skip to the end, and Finch eventually gets his previous memory wiped and ends up with Miranda. Corinne, knowing at this point that Finch is actually Louie, is cool with it. Seriously. Corinne doesn't mind that her dead husband, even though his memory has been wiped, is now having sex with their daughter. Ok, different body and memory erased, BUT STILL! That doesn't disturb her at all? If gender roles were reversed and I was in Corinne's position, I don't think I'd be ok with my son banging a body once inhabited by my now deceased wife. This is the happiest ending to a movie I've seen that involves incest. Incestually ever after.